In this world of lies, you're the only truth I know

The best and worst things about life revolve around the complexities of the various situations that we find ourselves in. We plan out our directions. We map out our intentions. Never knowing when we will be thrown a curve ball, never knowing when to take the risk. All we know for certain is; we will be offered the chance to swing away or watch it pass us by. We will be standing there with hopes that the call will be in our favor. With hopes that if we do swing and miss or let it go we will get another try that we are offered the opportunity to succeed. Deep down we know there is a risk of failing and that everyone around us will be there to see our rise or our fall.

Our greatest potential isn't based on our ability to make this decision...It’s based on our ability to keep trying, regardless if the outcome is that of triumph or failure! In these moments we find our humility. In these moments we determine our needs and test our personal strength.

Our emotions will more than once take control and lend reason for our decision to seize opportunities or our decision to let them pass by.

Thank you for giving me that chance. I meant everything I said to you...And somehow I feel as though I haven't said enough. The emotion leading me right now is fear. As much as I try to show you what I'm feeling I can't show you enough. I have my regrets in our past. At times I am able to rationalize my fears and regrets with a shallow and compromising thought; that somehow each step made us stronger.

Saying this now is easier because so many open ended questions were answered for me just by sharing our brief moment in time. Saying this is easier when you have so much to fear. Fear to fail and fear to succeed.

It's simple and beautiful, the depth of emotions that are lying there just beneath the surface. Waiting to become a way of life, waiting to shine and embrace living. And it's complex and disastrous to keep playing the safe side hoping for another chance to overcome petty fears.

I went into this with little expectations and all-out fear. We've worked so hard to forge a friendship and build a bridge back toward each other. Now… my only fear is losing you. The effects of my decisions changed so many things but at the same time taught me what I needed to have in my life and what I needed to understand about myself in order to understand love.

Real love comes from friendship, all of the aspects of friendship, and is freely ignited by passion. Real love comes from desire, the desire to please yourself and the ones you hold dearest to your heart. Real love is enveloped with trust, compassion and forgiveness. This is the lesson I’ve learned to embrace and it has made the biggest impact on my life. It’s the lesson that we’ve used to forge this bridge that we are walking along now.

I am amazed by the effect that you have over me. It's a balance that I feel just being in your presence. There is contentment in my heart and mind when I lay there beside you there is a passion that ignites my soul through your touch. There is an innocence that consumes me and renders a unique silence, in an attempt to capture or memorize everything about you so that I can recall every detail of every moment that I have with you.

We are good at painting grey areas and keeping our boundaries. But we often forget to share those boundaries with each other. We are pro’s at standing there looking at each other and hoping that the call is in our favor.

Essentially one of us has to take that step into the box and take the risk. I'm swinging for the fences. we don't know what the next pitch being thrown our way will be...I never want you to doubt my feelings for you. Even if you don't share the same emotions...you deserve to know how I feel about you. I never want to make you a promise that I can’t keep...I never want to put you in a place that you can’t handle. Or ask more of you than you are willing to give to me. I don’t want to add un-necessary pressure to our lives..in saying all of this, you very much understand what you mean to me. So I want you to know I’m not asking you to stay for the rest of my life, stay as long as you want. Stay with No why’s, no how’s, no but’s, no promises. Just stay. And I will gladly wait for you because waking up and knowing you will be a part of my day is more than enough....because in this world of lies, you're the only truth I know..

Thank you for everyday that u have given me. You are such a driving force in my life...Please never forget that...

The power of goodbye!

I thought about a lot of things every day. Some days I was not sure that I could shut my mind off. I thought about my wrongs, my rights, the things that I have let slip through the cracks and the things that I have held onto in my life. 

I have single handedly let relationships that meant the most to me self destruct. I stood by, I passed the blame and I just let them all fade away like a rose fades away, slowing losing the petals that it worked so hard to grow..They faded like the colors the red to the black... Some to return and others to not.. I didn’t have that choice once they were gone.

Sometimes I thought about all  the lessons that I have learned, trying my best to embrace those lessons. I try my best to keep the good and send the bad out the window with the wind.  Part of me feels that this is what we are all meant to do with the little bit of life that we have.

Life is for living, dwelling on the “what could have been” takes that away from us. It locks us in a place of fallacy and despair. We fail at these times to see the blessings in goodbye.  Wanting what you can’t have, what you don’t need isn’t living. It’s an effervescing feeling that we keep at bay with excuses. Just excuses. 

We develop crutches. Crutches to shield us to take the weight off of our journey, and allow us for an escape plan. If others think we are handicapped than its easier to never give our all to anything.

I wondered if I am incapable of real love. I wondered if I will ever give my all to any one person in the world, If I will be content.  I wondered if I will ever just learn to embrace what is given instead of always looking for more.

That is my ultimate challenge. To learn that I am not my own enemy and that I have what I am looking for right in front of me in the mirror.

No crutches. 

No excuses.

No lies.

It’s easy when you have fear to run from yourself. It’s easy when you have fear to focus on your doubts.  But when you run from what you are unsure of you are left with those regrets yet again.

I am done running.

I finally have a chance here in my life to give into my fears once and for all and make love work for me. I have a chance to give my heart and all that I have to someone that has decided to willingly love me even though I have made mistakes in the past.

I finally have the chance to change. The chance to run and fly and sing and smile without everything from the past returning to remind me of who I couldn’t be back then..

It took solitude to get here. It took months and months alone letting go... but I did it..

I never want to go back to that place of fallacy and despair.

No crutches.

No excuses.

No lies.

Even some friendships are not friendships they are reminders of the past, a time that we have to let go of to move forward.  And it’s sad, but we have to forgive and forget and keep walking our path in life.

I wish this for you.  I wish for you to let  go of your fear and give into who you are and who you are meant to be!

Never be sad for goodbyes, they made you stronger. They gave you opportunities to make it right for yourself.  And it gave you a chance to love and be loved.

Let go of the crutches

Let go of the excuses

And never live with the lies.

After all, that’s what we really want in the end! 

June 6th, 1944

I find myself plagued with somber today

Thoughts of a time full of dismay

 A cold lonesome feeling runs deep in my bones

Silence in my heart, for those beneath the stones

Some are just crosses

With names still unknown

A father, brother, cousin a son

Whose life was well ended before it had begun

Some had a choice and others did not

 As they coasted ashore they knew not the plot

For waiting just on the other side

Was a brutal force in which they would collide

On this beach the waters and sand

Ran red with the blood of the American man

They stood for our country, they stood and stood tall

And fell with their honor for each and for all 

And on this day they leave behind their glory

June 6th 1944, never forget their story

Embrace their past, listen and learn come what may..

For their souls lay in silence in that land far away!  _CB

Memories remain..

It’s amazing how life changes in an instant. The world shifts from a state on uncertainty that you were trapped in for years to suddenly knowing what you’ve been looking for all your life, what was missing all along! 

Embracing this reality leaves your new found “self” confused at this revelation. Your heart and soul, for once, agree on what should be and on what you deserve. 

 Then you’re swept into a whirlwind of emotions, forgetting to guard your heart, you just let go and you’re kissing his face every ten minutes, holding his hand, feeling the warmth of his body through you as if he is the coal that lights your soul on fire... 

And then change catastrophically conquers just when you though the war was over.  Standing in front of your light; you feel it fade as you’re saying just three simple words "see you soon"!  It’s as if someone has rudely interrupted the most important conversation you’ve ever tried to carry on! They are standing outside the door, pounding like the police who are deciding that because you're not answering, they are forced to break the door down, leaving you exposed, vulnerable and without something to hide your mind, your deepest emotions behind.  When you’re life is invaded by time and space you become so empty inside. 

 It’s such a disturbing parallel. 

Rugged thoughts are constantly challenging you with yet another state of unrest. It’s a daily fight to understand simple words and what they mean to you. It is: “yes, I love you; you are everything” and then it’s:  “This is making me so miserable” all thrown at you at the same time. 

What's the common ground? 

Why do we have situations like such?

A feeling of alone, I need you. I want you, and I know I will see you, so I will push on through this... 

What gives? 

When two are still two and want to be just one, but, time, space and obligations prevent such actions... What gives? 

We are so overwhelmed with our woes that we almost miss seeing another light appear, and when it does we realize: It is through our demise or pain that we see the bright side of the golden rainbow!

Love gives… It gives us patience

A self portrait!

My personality type makes up about 4% of the population.  I can be restless, anxious, moody, and plagued by erratic sleeping patterns. I never complain about my restless mind because I feel lost if my inner waters are too still.  I seek out, unconsciously, experiences that will intensify my passion or inspiration.  When inspired I disappear for hours on end, immersing myself in writing, playing music, graphic designing or even photographing. Creative expression is my lifeblood, my key to self-discovery and self-expression of my inner world. I struggle balancing between work and family at times. Some people think my life is frenetic and chaotic. However, creative work is what keeps me sane! If I could, I wouldn’t live by a calendar or clock, I would have complete freedom from time.  I am edgy when I can’t have uninterrupted time alone. I am very two sided in emotion! I can be witty and chatty if I am inspired and in good spirits, and I can be cold, distant, and sulk without reason!  I tend to struggle spoken words. I avoid drawn out phone conversations, and most of the time I would rather text than talk. I am more in tune with non-verbal communication—facial expressions, body language than most. I often read between the lines looking for discrepancies between what is said and what is physically expressed. This is how I judge if you are trustworthy. I will never let you know that I know that you are lying, but I will distance myself from you without explanation. I lead with my heart not my head. If my heart isn’t on board, if I can’t believe in it, be it love or any other project I will not give it my full attention.  I will change my mind a hundred times and try all of the wrong things before I choose what is right and what is wrong. I am in introvert.. an INFP.

Looking back...

The sun behind me starts to set

The road ahead I do fret

I see you standing in a cloud

Pain, regret all around

I look at you in the rearview

Wishing that we could undo

Every word that was said

And bring our love on the road ahead…….

In the mist of all of this change.........

It’s interesting how you can wake up in the morning, see the light breaking through the blinds and think that you know what you want in life.

It’s so easy to pretend to be in total control of your destiny and it’s easy to be irrational about anything and everything... I thought… ok I have been at this single thing for almost 3 months and why shouldn’t I at least try to date... I enjoy the company of a man.

As I started to do this dating thing I noticed it was easy as pie, people were interested, and I am good for conversation and good at making people comfortable. But I also noticed that the more I was interested in starting a relationship... The more I didn’t want one.

I started to notice that I like having someone around only on my time, only when I wanted to see them, only when I wanted to talk to them.

I really like being by myself so much more than I ever realized before.  I like my lonely routine. I like going to work and coming home and taking care of my kids and not having to worry about making someone else happy.

And honestly... in the mist of all of this change... I am still haunted by my past. It’s like standing on a road and looking through the fog and seeing the sun start to rise. The problem with this is that I am still in the fog.  I can't imagine telling anyone that I love them. I can’t... for some reason I feel so bound. It’s like my heart is tied and I can’t free it.

Everything that I do feels “fake”. I feel like I am playing a game and I can’t play it anymore. I just can’t!

Maybe deep down I know what I want.

Maybe I don’t. But either way, I don't mind not having any attachment. I am way too conflicted for an attachment.  

I can’t look in the rear view mirror without seeing his face. I can’t open the center counsel because his photo, our photo is right there where I left it. I couldn’t very well throw it away.

3 months isn’t making me miss him any less. Its making me say things like “why did you give up on me” and it’s me screaming out emotions that are hard to see on the other side of the world.  It’s doesn’t matter where I am or what I do or who I am with. He is still there behind my eyes.. His voice, his laugh. I don’t want anyone to replace him or the way that I felt with him. It feels very sacred to me in some way.

The ironic thing about it all is; if he was standing at my door tomorrow... I am not sure that it would ever work out. I am not even sure what I would say if I were face to face with him.

So in all of it.. I know one thing. I am far from ready to even think about sharing my life with anyone. I am finally for the first time ever ok with being alone. I am ok alone all by myself.

In the end, every day I am stronger and someday someone will steal my heart, but before that happens I have to have it back completely! And that is going to take more time, more space.

EMO- GONE

If I could have anything in this world, I'm not sure that I would ask for money or to have someone back. I'm not sure that I would ask to reverse the past.

Money doesn't buy happiness. Relationships ended for a reason, so bringing back someone that didn't want to be there again would land you in that same position with them over time! And mistakes are made everyday, so, by reversing the past you would not be the same person that you are today. Reversing just one huge life event would change everything in your present!

Nope, I wouldn't ask for any of those things.

I would ask for emotional pepto-bismal!

Yep! Emotional pepto-bismal would grant those like me, those with that effervescent ball of "what the F*ck" in the pit of their stomach, some kind of relief!

Its not that we, the emotionally damaged completely jaded are not capable of functioning in the world!

In fact we function just fine. Just fine..... until the "what the f*uck" sneaks up from behind us and says.. Hey old pal! I'm right where you left me.

Why do I call it a "what the f*UCK" well, when their memory leaves you suddenly swallowed in self pitty and suffocating.. What else can u say, but, "what the F*UCK"

Yes! Emotional Pepto.

I would call it Emo-gone-
"Emo gone, take twice a day until the "what the F*uck" subsides and you can resume normal activities."

My emotional pepto wouldn't keep you from living your life or functioning. In fact it would help you to excel on those days when you hate them the most. When you needed to you could be emotionally numb.

You wouldn't be sitting a round waiting on time to heal you! Emo- gone could do that all by its self.

For all those suffering from "what the F*uck"

Todays blog is for you!

Any questions?

Carefree as a bee....

Carefree as a bee…

They say that those who expect nothing shall never be disappointed. I am wondering how you get to that point. Maybe some people are just born that way. They are completely care free. Sometimes I catch myself googling hopeless self help sites just to investigate the way that other people on the planet think and absorb..

Have you ever typed “how to be carefree” into a search bar?

There are all kinds of pages in relation to this question. My favorite.. ehow.. “how to lead a carefree life”…

They list 7 ways to be carefree….

1.)     Examine the responsibilities and chores that you currently handle each week and decide if there are any that you can leave off the list to free up your schedule for more enjoyable activities.

2.)     Learn to love yourself and forget about what others think of you. All too often we find ourselves obsessing about what others think of us when what really matters is how we value ourselves.

3.)     Live each day with a positive attitude, and be patient and kind with others. Letting go of any negative thoughts you're having and focusing on the positive aspects of your life will help you to be more compassionate with others.

4.)     Spend time relaxing, pampering yourself, enjoying life and doing things that you love to do.

5.)     Laugh more often. Read a funny book, watch a comedy, joke around with your friends and family and let yourself laugh.

6.)     Prioritize your time spent with friends and loved ones, especially your spouse and children.

7.)     Let go of the grudges that you've been holding against those who've wronged you. Those negative feelings will only hinder you in your quest to live a carefree life.

As I read thought these tips. i.e. suggestions on how to be carefree.. I am a bit astonished how easy it all sounds. I thought or maybe I was deeply hoping that being carefree had something to do with traveling a lot and fishing on the weekends, feeling the sun on my face and the sand on my feet. I suppose this isn’t the only route to leading a carefree life, as you truly do have to make time for yourself to even remotely enjoy a “fishing on the weekends venture!” Lol!!!

 I continue to rifle through them over and over again! I am diligently assessing how to really incorporate them into my life.

As much as I plan and plan and smile and think that I have it all figured out…

 I always stop hard at NUMBER 7!

And as I stop hard at number 7… I am breathless..

7)     “Let go of the grudges that you've been holding against those who've wronged you. Those negative feelings will only hinder you in your quest to live a carefree life.

This is the stopping point..and it makes so much sense to me, at least in my mind it makes sense.. in reality this is what this blog is about.. being single to overcome my grudges. Being single to forvgive those that who have wronged me and how I have wronged myself. Being single to find me…. Me…. Me…me….me....

I wish that I could say that’s where I am and that I have made so much progress.. but when I read that sentence.. I realize how very FAR I am from that “carefree”.

So if this is the only thing that’s stopping me and the  past is affecting me in my present, why would I give into it?

Because... I want to make sure...When I step forward this time.. It will never sneak up behind me again!

SO, in saying my peace on this subject of carefree... I am curious... how close are all of you to living a carefree life?

A solace fairytale....

The alarm clock sometimes offers reprieve from a long and sleepless night.  A night where hours drag on for days, where you keep looking at the clock and minutes creep consistently, in this madness there is one thing walking across your mind, the thought of being alone.

I used to write you novels. I would lay my heart on the line. Share my darkest thoughts, my fears. I would sit here and dream about how life would be next to you. I would think about where we would be when we were older. How beautiful the character lines on your face would appear to me. How the feel of your hands, roughened with time, would feel on my mature face.

I played out, in my mind, our entire life. The years would fly by me. Sunset to sunrise, in my heart, I loved you forever. And in my fantasy you were always there.

These thought consumed me for so many years. It truly made me happy, happy to have you even if you were far away, even if our time physically was limited.

I knew not the outcome, nor could I fathom that there would always be so many memories that we never got to make...

When it comes to ultimate happiness, no matter what troubles lie ahead, it’s very easy to be consumed by a fairytale, especially a fairytale that you would expect the outcome to be solace.

Life is a circus.....

When we were little children there was something mystical about the circus. The danger and freedom of the lady walking the tightrope, the magic in the face of an elephant, the mystery of why a man would be that close to tigers even though they could eat him alive, it consumed us with fascination and wonder. The world felt so big in that red tent and we felt like it was our duty to be as mystical as the circus people right in front of us!

I didn’t really worry too much about the tigers or the pretty costumes or the candy that I could get into while I was there! Of all of the acts that would ride in and out of town, I was always personally more captivated by the clowns. They always had smiles on their faces and a tear in their eyes. A paradox of life! When your mind is young they are simple entertainers, parading around, being chased by the bull, longing for laughter in the face of their anguish.

Captivating are the clowns!

I'm thinking about this paradox this evening in the silence that hangs over head. Sometimes it’s as if I live my life inside of a bubble. Is that a paradox as well? Creating a space for yourself inside of a world, but doing so when it’s impossible?

Some days I feel like the clown. The pressure of getting ahead, making sure that all is well for those that I care for, making sure that I keep myself in line so that I make a good impression and pave the way to my future.

Am I the platform for this paradox, a smile to hide my sad eyes?

I often wonder just how phony the smile on my face is when others see it. Do they look at your eyes and see right through you?

What if I wore a frown? A frown... It’s a foreign concept. Why? Well a frown can be very easily replaced by the smile can't it?

Life on the outside of this bubble does offer happiness If you look for it. I'm stuck today. I'm stuck in a place where smiles were all I had to offer those around me. I am stuck in a time when I was so high on life and happiness that I would trip over my own two feet! Is it wrong to want that back? Is it wrong to reach for it knowing that it may be there and may not be there?

I begin to imagine an hourglass.

Right now I feel like I'm standing at the bottom as the sands of time fall around me. I can't stop them and the more I try the more powerless I prove to be. Eventually they will consume and smother me. The only way out is to break the glass. Would that be wise? How do you know if there will always be someone there to help break you out when you’re close to sinking? Is it yet again up to us, the creators of our own demise to break us free from our trapped existence?

I'm not sure if I will find that answer because secretly I'm here wishing that someone would save me before I'm consumed...

An Introduction.....WHY?

I’m sure by now you are all wondering what all of this mindless rambling is really about, why is this blog called the single project and what does that mean? Have you ever been in love? Of course you have! Have you ever had your heart broken? Of course you have!

Have you ever stopped and looked at your life and all that you have been through and thought… maybe it’s me? Of course you have! If you’re an honest person, you’ll always end up with some of the blame for anything that you go through in life. WHY? Well that’s an easy one to answer too…responsibility, humility, respect for yourself, these characteristics allow you to look at situations objectively see how certain actions contributed to the undesirable outcome.

I don’t know if I can really pin point the moment that I realized my faults were leading me down this road of endings. Quite frankly, I am hesitant to do so.  I would suppose the main factor contributing to my said demise is; I have such a tendency to get wrapped up in the situation that I often neglect the obvious things that are happening right before my eyes. I see red flags and warning signs, but instead of dealing with the problems at hand I just sweep them under the rug!

People tell me flat out what I am doing wrong and I choose to ignore it and tell them to mind their own business.

I have said it all and had it all said to me. I’ve heard “you’ll miss me, you’ll regret this, and you did this too”.  Sadly enough I have said the exact things in response to those that I have loved along the way.  I have just as many excuses for running away when the going gets tough; it’s easier than admitting that you’re a jerk and that you’re wrong.

It’s actually funny now looking back on my life!  I often wonder why I am where I am and why the answer isn’t easy to find.  Maybe the truth is that I don’t want to look.  The answer is a challenge, a challenge that leaves me facing things that I don’t want to face, choosing to dust off the box of foreign memories and bad reminders in search of a long lost key!  Then deciding to use that key and open the closet that is full of skeletons from the long gone and far too recent past. 

Does that sound like progress?

Not traditionally! We’ve all been programmed to think and say the same things... “Let the past go, don’t live in the past, and let it rest, let it lie… “

I am going to disagree with all of the conventional thoughts, feelings and traditions for now. I am starting to believe that if I am really going to make a change in my life, I need to embrace that past instead of hide from it. If it’s all locked away and it’s being laid to rest and forgotten about then I continue to head down that same road of broken hearts and shattered endings.

I think it’s time for me to really take a HUGE time out and open this closet and start to let go of what’s locked away. I need to clean it out!  And when I do this I could find the courage to start looking at patterns, people and things that I have yet to let go of and heal. Then just maybe I will be able to finally find that new road, the road that ends in forever! 

I don’t believe that time heals all wounds. I have so many emotions hiding inside that have been there for years. I have yet to make peace with them, instead I locked them all away and thought “they will all just go away”! OH how wrong I was!

Everyone closest to me will agree that I need time and space to really sort out what it is that I want and who the hell it is that I am really missing or haven’t made peace with! So, they all came together and they came up with a solution. My friends and my family challenged me to be single.

No boyfriends, no more rebounds.

They challenged me too finally after 3 years get my head on straight.

The reason: I need to be alone so that I will stop tying myself emotionally to men and start to move forward.  I need to finally begin to embrace who I am as a person and stop creating myself for someone else. (It’s not that I need someone to complete me, I do that all of my own, I know I am a special person and I have a lot to offer. My problem is that I give too much of myself for those that I love. I put them first and push back what I want in life.)

I had no choice but to I accepted the challenge.

I am to be single for 6 months. 

Some people will think 6 months sounds pretty short and simple, but to those that know me... 6 months is a challenge…

I rather enjoy long relationships where I can build trust and comfort.  

This blog will be my thoughts about what I am feeling! I will try to keep them as fun as I can!  I want people to enjoy reading it! I don’t want it to be a place where I sit and complain.  I want it to be a place I where I can reflect and write exactly what I am going through. I want my thoughts to be known so here I will leave them!

Shadows Dance

In the waking hours of the night when you’re all alone, time feels rather foreign to your mind.  You have no choice but stare above you at the shadows dancing on your ceiling. These shadows are created by the smallest cascades of light. Light that has forcibly found a way to peer through the already closed blinds, just to make a known presence to you when you least expect it.

 As you stare; curiosity lingers heavily, almost as if to find hope, the very emotion that has the ability to lend courage and empower the soul. Your focus changes in moments like these and allows deeper thoughts about specific aspects of your life. Why do you need this courage? Are there really aspects of you that need to be changed? This light becomes a battle across your mind, one that is being played out in creative patterns right above you!

In those hours; in that darkness you’re innately consumed with your darkest self. And as you watch insecurities and fears dance sporadically across the ceiling your focus changes again. Glancing back at the clock, an hour has gone by and you know that the rising sun brings with it expectations of a coming day. You try your best to reason with yourself to turn off the very thought that is lending you this feeling of unrest. It never works because when you’re in this position, laying here in the dark, you force yourself subconsciously to contemplate your very own existence. And that my friends can’t be turned off like the light switch on the wall.   

Truth is told in the darkest hours... My decisions are what keep me wrestling in the dark, my actions, my own expectations, my insecurities and my fears. Deep down I have an unfulfilled need that is longing to take over and heal itself. I know what is missing in my life. What’s left this hole inside of me and I know what is right there within my reach waiting for the day that I can say how I feel and not fear love any longer.  How long will I wait. What will being alone, here in the night offer me?

The answer is unknown at this point and in the waking hours of the night time feels rather foreign to your mind and truth is told in the darkest hours.

Valentines somewhere else

As I sit here today watching the snow falling slowing out the window, I look below at the parking lot full of lightly dusted cars. From the fifth floor everything feels so far away.  I am lost in translation as my attention slips just out of reach my focus becomes fixated by a slight color variation within the dull grey sky. I continue to stare as snowflakes fall in a sideways pattern. Controlled by the wind, these flakes have no say in the direction that they are to travel or land. It’s all by happenstance that they are blowing by me on this day.

The colors start to blend together erasing the hold that this current surrounding has on me, allowing me to envision a different time.  The snowflakes falling before me begin to transform into marble accents swirling within the grey skies, creating pillars that are gracefully dramatic and just outside of my reach. It is as though they bridge the sky creating a mystical parallel of a world that is not our own allowing this rendition of a magical setting before me!   

Where does that bridge lead to? Well, today it leads me to Rome.

Not Rome as it stands today, Rome as it stood under the rule of Emperor Claudius II. Rome when it was involved in many bloody and unpopular campaigns, when war raged across their lands. During this time in Rome, Claudius became a cruel and hurtful ruler who was having a difficult time getting soldiers to join his military, this brought forth a dark time where all of the magic was hidden beneath the tears of chaos that surrounded them all!

In ancient Rome it was custom for the lives of young boys and girls to be lived completely separate. Therefore they came together only on occasions like the one that we are celebrating today, February 14^th. 

This was a holiday to honor Juno the Queen of the Roman Goddesses. Juno stood for women and marriage. To celebrate the Roman girls wrote their names on slips of paper and placed them into jars! Each young man would draw a name from the jar and they would be partners for the duration of the festival. Sometimes the pairings lasted an entire year. And sometimes they would fall in love and marry.

With the rise of Christianity and the plaguing of the war, Valentine, a Roman priest started to make a name for himself!  Claudius II was so war hungry that he banned all unions in Rome. Valentine took it upon himself to practice secret Christian unions in the name of love.

He was captured soon after he began to rebel against the emperor and was tried for crimes against the throne. He was locked away in a prison where he could no longer cause rebellion for or help the Christians to make oaths that would keep men from the battle field. While he was awaiting his fate that would result in death, those that he married threw letters of gratitude and flowers at the door of his prison. The people of Rome thanked him often for his sacrifice in the name of love.  

During his time in Prison, Valentine was allowed one visitor, a young maiden, whom was actually the daughter of the prison guard. She would sneak in and comfort Valentine while he counted down the days leading to his tragic ending.
When he was carted away... He forged his final act of love. Valentine left a single note for this maiden, and signed it “From your Valentine”.

Through the horror and bloodshed of Rome, love managed to conquer all... It sacrificed and it endured. The people believed that Love was the heart of the world and they were willing to go to great lengths to make sure that no one could take that from them!

February 14^th... Still remains a tradition...

As I sink back into reality in this office, I began to see the snowflakes again, painting the grey skies.  I feel warmth in my heart that for a short time erased the chaos of my life.  

Valentine was able to give his life to make people happy. He vowed to stand for love. I will do the same. That is the definition of unconditional. To Love through the pain, through the loss and never lose hope that one day that union will be forever, regardless of what it is that you must endure together!

I may not sign a Valentine today, but unlike Valentine, I have the gift of time. I have time to make fond memories and to touch someone else’s life with unconditional love!  

Happy Valentine’s Day, may we remember that what we feel has been taken from us, was never really taken at all. Love resides inside of us, an unconditional love. Hold onto these traditions. Leave your mark on the hearts of others!