Life is a circus.....

When we were little children there was something mystical about the circus. The danger and freedom of the lady walking the tightrope, the magic in the face of an elephant, the mystery of why a man would be that close to tigers even though they could eat him alive, it consumed us with fascination and wonder. The world felt so big in that red tent and we felt like it was our duty to be as mystical as the circus people right in front of us!

I didn’t really worry too much about the tigers or the pretty costumes or the candy that I could get into while I was there! Of all of the acts that would ride in and out of town, I was always personally more captivated by the clowns. They always had smiles on their faces and a tear in their eyes. A paradox of life! When your mind is young they are simple entertainers, parading around, being chased by the bull, longing for laughter in the face of their anguish.

Captivating are the clowns!

I'm thinking about this paradox this evening in the silence that hangs over head. Sometimes it’s as if I live my life inside of a bubble. Is that a paradox as well? Creating a space for yourself inside of a world, but doing so when it’s impossible?

Some days I feel like the clown. The pressure of getting ahead, making sure that all is well for those that I care for, making sure that I keep myself in line so that I make a good impression and pave the way to my future.

Am I the platform for this paradox, a smile to hide my sad eyes?

I often wonder just how phony the smile on my face is when others see it. Do they look at your eyes and see right through you?

What if I wore a frown? A frown... It’s a foreign concept. Why? Well a frown can be very easily replaced by the smile can't it?

Life on the outside of this bubble does offer happiness If you look for it. I'm stuck today. I'm stuck in a place where smiles were all I had to offer those around me. I am stuck in a time when I was so high on life and happiness that I would trip over my own two feet! Is it wrong to want that back? Is it wrong to reach for it knowing that it may be there and may not be there?

I begin to imagine an hourglass.

Right now I feel like I'm standing at the bottom as the sands of time fall around me. I can't stop them and the more I try the more powerless I prove to be. Eventually they will consume and smother me. The only way out is to break the glass. Would that be wise? How do you know if there will always be someone there to help break you out when you’re close to sinking? Is it yet again up to us, the creators of our own demise to break us free from our trapped existence?

I'm not sure if I will find that answer because secretly I'm here wishing that someone would save me before I'm consumed...