In this world of lies, you're the only truth I know

The best and worst things about life revolve around the complexities of the various situations that we find ourselves in. We plan out our directions. We map out our intentions. Never knowing when we will be thrown a curve ball, never knowing when to take the risk. All we know for certain is; we will be offered the chance to swing away or watch it pass us by. We will be standing there with hopes that the call will be in our favor. With hopes that if we do swing and miss or let it go we will get another try that we are offered the opportunity to succeed. Deep down we know there is a risk of failing and that everyone around us will be there to see our rise or our fall.

Our greatest potential isn't based on our ability to make this decision...It’s based on our ability to keep trying, regardless if the outcome is that of triumph or failure! In these moments we find our humility. In these moments we determine our needs and test our personal strength.

Our emotions will more than once take control and lend reason for our decision to seize opportunities or our decision to let them pass by.

Thank you for giving me that chance. I meant everything I said to you...And somehow I feel as though I haven't said enough. The emotion leading me right now is fear. As much as I try to show you what I'm feeling I can't show you enough. I have my regrets in our past. At times I am able to rationalize my fears and regrets with a shallow and compromising thought; that somehow each step made us stronger.

Saying this now is easier because so many open ended questions were answered for me just by sharing our brief moment in time. Saying this is easier when you have so much to fear. Fear to fail and fear to succeed.

It's simple and beautiful, the depth of emotions that are lying there just beneath the surface. Waiting to become a way of life, waiting to shine and embrace living. And it's complex and disastrous to keep playing the safe side hoping for another chance to overcome petty fears.

I went into this with little expectations and all-out fear. We've worked so hard to forge a friendship and build a bridge back toward each other. Now… my only fear is losing you. The effects of my decisions changed so many things but at the same time taught me what I needed to have in my life and what I needed to understand about myself in order to understand love.

Real love comes from friendship, all of the aspects of friendship, and is freely ignited by passion. Real love comes from desire, the desire to please yourself and the ones you hold dearest to your heart. Real love is enveloped with trust, compassion and forgiveness. This is the lesson I’ve learned to embrace and it has made the biggest impact on my life. It’s the lesson that we’ve used to forge this bridge that we are walking along now.

I am amazed by the effect that you have over me. It's a balance that I feel just being in your presence. There is contentment in my heart and mind when I lay there beside you there is a passion that ignites my soul through your touch. There is an innocence that consumes me and renders a unique silence, in an attempt to capture or memorize everything about you so that I can recall every detail of every moment that I have with you.

We are good at painting grey areas and keeping our boundaries. But we often forget to share those boundaries with each other. We are pro’s at standing there looking at each other and hoping that the call is in our favor.

Essentially one of us has to take that step into the box and take the risk. I'm swinging for the fences. we don't know what the next pitch being thrown our way will be...I never want you to doubt my feelings for you. Even if you don't share the same emotions...you deserve to know how I feel about you. I never want to make you a promise that I can’t keep...I never want to put you in a place that you can’t handle. Or ask more of you than you are willing to give to me. I don’t want to add un-necessary pressure to our lives..in saying all of this, you very much understand what you mean to me. So I want you to know I’m not asking you to stay for the rest of my life, stay as long as you want. Stay with No why’s, no how’s, no but’s, no promises. Just stay. And I will gladly wait for you because waking up and knowing you will be a part of my day is more than enough....because in this world of lies, you're the only truth I know..

Thank you for everyday that u have given me. You are such a driving force in my life...Please never forget that...

The power of goodbye!

I thought about a lot of things every day. Some days I was not sure that I could shut my mind off. I thought about my wrongs, my rights, the things that I have let slip through the cracks and the things that I have held onto in my life. 

I have single handedly let relationships that meant the most to me self destruct. I stood by, I passed the blame and I just let them all fade away like a rose fades away, slowing losing the petals that it worked so hard to grow..They faded like the colors the red to the black... Some to return and others to not.. I didn’t have that choice once they were gone.

Sometimes I thought about all  the lessons that I have learned, trying my best to embrace those lessons. I try my best to keep the good and send the bad out the window with the wind.  Part of me feels that this is what we are all meant to do with the little bit of life that we have.

Life is for living, dwelling on the “what could have been” takes that away from us. It locks us in a place of fallacy and despair. We fail at these times to see the blessings in goodbye.  Wanting what you can’t have, what you don’t need isn’t living. It’s an effervescing feeling that we keep at bay with excuses. Just excuses. 

We develop crutches. Crutches to shield us to take the weight off of our journey, and allow us for an escape plan. If others think we are handicapped than its easier to never give our all to anything.

I wondered if I am incapable of real love. I wondered if I will ever give my all to any one person in the world, If I will be content.  I wondered if I will ever just learn to embrace what is given instead of always looking for more.

That is my ultimate challenge. To learn that I am not my own enemy and that I have what I am looking for right in front of me in the mirror.

No crutches. 

No excuses.

No lies.

It’s easy when you have fear to run from yourself. It’s easy when you have fear to focus on your doubts.  But when you run from what you are unsure of you are left with those regrets yet again.

I am done running.

I finally have a chance here in my life to give into my fears once and for all and make love work for me. I have a chance to give my heart and all that I have to someone that has decided to willingly love me even though I have made mistakes in the past.

I finally have the chance to change. The chance to run and fly and sing and smile without everything from the past returning to remind me of who I couldn’t be back then..

It took solitude to get here. It took months and months alone letting go... but I did it..

I never want to go back to that place of fallacy and despair.

No crutches.

No excuses.

No lies.

Even some friendships are not friendships they are reminders of the past, a time that we have to let go of to move forward.  And it’s sad, but we have to forgive and forget and keep walking our path in life.

I wish this for you.  I wish for you to let  go of your fear and give into who you are and who you are meant to be!

Never be sad for goodbyes, they made you stronger. They gave you opportunities to make it right for yourself.  And it gave you a chance to love and be loved.

Let go of the crutches

Let go of the excuses

And never live with the lies.

After all, that’s what we really want in the end! 

June 6th, 1944

I find myself plagued with somber today

Thoughts of a time full of dismay

 A cold lonesome feeling runs deep in my bones

Silence in my heart, for those beneath the stones

Some are just crosses

With names still unknown

A father, brother, cousin a son

Whose life was well ended before it had begun

Some had a choice and others did not

 As they coasted ashore they knew not the plot

For waiting just on the other side

Was a brutal force in which they would collide

On this beach the waters and sand

Ran red with the blood of the American man

They stood for our country, they stood and stood tall

And fell with their honor for each and for all 

And on this day they leave behind their glory

June 6th 1944, never forget their story

Embrace their past, listen and learn come what may..

For their souls lay in silence in that land far away!  _CB

Memories remain..

It’s amazing how life changes in an instant. The world shifts from a state on uncertainty that you were trapped in for years to suddenly knowing what you’ve been looking for all your life, what was missing all along! 

Embracing this reality leaves your new found “self” confused at this revelation. Your heart and soul, for once, agree on what should be and on what you deserve. 

 Then you’re swept into a whirlwind of emotions, forgetting to guard your heart, you just let go and you’re kissing his face every ten minutes, holding his hand, feeling the warmth of his body through you as if he is the coal that lights your soul on fire... 

And then change catastrophically conquers just when you though the war was over.  Standing in front of your light; you feel it fade as you’re saying just three simple words "see you soon"!  It’s as if someone has rudely interrupted the most important conversation you’ve ever tried to carry on! They are standing outside the door, pounding like the police who are deciding that because you're not answering, they are forced to break the door down, leaving you exposed, vulnerable and without something to hide your mind, your deepest emotions behind.  When you’re life is invaded by time and space you become so empty inside. 

 It’s such a disturbing parallel. 

Rugged thoughts are constantly challenging you with yet another state of unrest. It’s a daily fight to understand simple words and what they mean to you. It is: “yes, I love you; you are everything” and then it’s:  “This is making me so miserable” all thrown at you at the same time. 

What's the common ground? 

Why do we have situations like such?

A feeling of alone, I need you. I want you, and I know I will see you, so I will push on through this... 

What gives? 

When two are still two and want to be just one, but, time, space and obligations prevent such actions... What gives? 

We are so overwhelmed with our woes that we almost miss seeing another light appear, and when it does we realize: It is through our demise or pain that we see the bright side of the golden rainbow!

Love gives… It gives us patience

A self portrait!

My personality type makes up about 4% of the population.  I can be restless, anxious, moody, and plagued by erratic sleeping patterns. I never complain about my restless mind because I feel lost if my inner waters are too still.  I seek out, unconsciously, experiences that will intensify my passion or inspiration.  When inspired I disappear for hours on end, immersing myself in writing, playing music, graphic designing or even photographing. Creative expression is my lifeblood, my key to self-discovery and self-expression of my inner world. I struggle balancing between work and family at times. Some people think my life is frenetic and chaotic. However, creative work is what keeps me sane! If I could, I wouldn’t live by a calendar or clock, I would have complete freedom from time.  I am edgy when I can’t have uninterrupted time alone. I am very two sided in emotion! I can be witty and chatty if I am inspired and in good spirits, and I can be cold, distant, and sulk without reason!  I tend to struggle spoken words. I avoid drawn out phone conversations, and most of the time I would rather text than talk. I am more in tune with non-verbal communication—facial expressions, body language than most. I often read between the lines looking for discrepancies between what is said and what is physically expressed. This is how I judge if you are trustworthy. I will never let you know that I know that you are lying, but I will distance myself from you without explanation. I lead with my heart not my head. If my heart isn’t on board, if I can’t believe in it, be it love or any other project I will not give it my full attention.  I will change my mind a hundred times and try all of the wrong things before I choose what is right and what is wrong. I am in introvert.. an INFP.