Life is a circus.....

When we were little children there was something mystical about the circus. The danger and freedom of the lady walking the tightrope, the magic in the face of an elephant, the mystery of why a man would be that close to tigers even though they could eat him alive, it consumed us with fascination and wonder. The world felt so big in that red tent and we felt like it was our duty to be as mystical as the circus people right in front of us!

I didn’t really worry too much about the tigers or the pretty costumes or the candy that I could get into while I was there! Of all of the acts that would ride in and out of town, I was always personally more captivated by the clowns. They always had smiles on their faces and a tear in their eyes. A paradox of life! When your mind is young they are simple entertainers, parading around, being chased by the bull, longing for laughter in the face of their anguish.

Captivating are the clowns!

I'm thinking about this paradox this evening in the silence that hangs over head. Sometimes it’s as if I live my life inside of a bubble. Is that a paradox as well? Creating a space for yourself inside of a world, but doing so when it’s impossible?

Some days I feel like the clown. The pressure of getting ahead, making sure that all is well for those that I care for, making sure that I keep myself in line so that I make a good impression and pave the way to my future.

Am I the platform for this paradox, a smile to hide my sad eyes?

I often wonder just how phony the smile on my face is when others see it. Do they look at your eyes and see right through you?

What if I wore a frown? A frown... It’s a foreign concept. Why? Well a frown can be very easily replaced by the smile can't it?

Life on the outside of this bubble does offer happiness If you look for it. I'm stuck today. I'm stuck in a place where smiles were all I had to offer those around me. I am stuck in a time when I was so high on life and happiness that I would trip over my own two feet! Is it wrong to want that back? Is it wrong to reach for it knowing that it may be there and may not be there?

I begin to imagine an hourglass.

Right now I feel like I'm standing at the bottom as the sands of time fall around me. I can't stop them and the more I try the more powerless I prove to be. Eventually they will consume and smother me. The only way out is to break the glass. Would that be wise? How do you know if there will always be someone there to help break you out when you’re close to sinking? Is it yet again up to us, the creators of our own demise to break us free from our trapped existence?

I'm not sure if I will find that answer because secretly I'm here wishing that someone would save me before I'm consumed...

An Introduction.....WHY?

I’m sure by now you are all wondering what all of this mindless rambling is really about, why is this blog called the single project and what does that mean? Have you ever been in love? Of course you have! Have you ever had your heart broken? Of course you have!

Have you ever stopped and looked at your life and all that you have been through and thought… maybe it’s me? Of course you have! If you’re an honest person, you’ll always end up with some of the blame for anything that you go through in life. WHY? Well that’s an easy one to answer too…responsibility, humility, respect for yourself, these characteristics allow you to look at situations objectively see how certain actions contributed to the undesirable outcome.

I don’t know if I can really pin point the moment that I realized my faults were leading me down this road of endings. Quite frankly, I am hesitant to do so.  I would suppose the main factor contributing to my said demise is; I have such a tendency to get wrapped up in the situation that I often neglect the obvious things that are happening right before my eyes. I see red flags and warning signs, but instead of dealing with the problems at hand I just sweep them under the rug!

People tell me flat out what I am doing wrong and I choose to ignore it and tell them to mind their own business.

I have said it all and had it all said to me. I’ve heard “you’ll miss me, you’ll regret this, and you did this too”.  Sadly enough I have said the exact things in response to those that I have loved along the way.  I have just as many excuses for running away when the going gets tough; it’s easier than admitting that you’re a jerk and that you’re wrong.

It’s actually funny now looking back on my life!  I often wonder why I am where I am and why the answer isn’t easy to find.  Maybe the truth is that I don’t want to look.  The answer is a challenge, a challenge that leaves me facing things that I don’t want to face, choosing to dust off the box of foreign memories and bad reminders in search of a long lost key!  Then deciding to use that key and open the closet that is full of skeletons from the long gone and far too recent past. 

Does that sound like progress?

Not traditionally! We’ve all been programmed to think and say the same things... “Let the past go, don’t live in the past, and let it rest, let it lie… “

I am going to disagree with all of the conventional thoughts, feelings and traditions for now. I am starting to believe that if I am really going to make a change in my life, I need to embrace that past instead of hide from it. If it’s all locked away and it’s being laid to rest and forgotten about then I continue to head down that same road of broken hearts and shattered endings.

I think it’s time for me to really take a HUGE time out and open this closet and start to let go of what’s locked away. I need to clean it out!  And when I do this I could find the courage to start looking at patterns, people and things that I have yet to let go of and heal. Then just maybe I will be able to finally find that new road, the road that ends in forever! 

I don’t believe that time heals all wounds. I have so many emotions hiding inside that have been there for years. I have yet to make peace with them, instead I locked them all away and thought “they will all just go away”! OH how wrong I was!

Everyone closest to me will agree that I need time and space to really sort out what it is that I want and who the hell it is that I am really missing or haven’t made peace with! So, they all came together and they came up with a solution. My friends and my family challenged me to be single.

No boyfriends, no more rebounds.

They challenged me too finally after 3 years get my head on straight.

The reason: I need to be alone so that I will stop tying myself emotionally to men and start to move forward.  I need to finally begin to embrace who I am as a person and stop creating myself for someone else. (It’s not that I need someone to complete me, I do that all of my own, I know I am a special person and I have a lot to offer. My problem is that I give too much of myself for those that I love. I put them first and push back what I want in life.)

I had no choice but to I accepted the challenge.

I am to be single for 6 months. 

Some people will think 6 months sounds pretty short and simple, but to those that know me... 6 months is a challenge…

I rather enjoy long relationships where I can build trust and comfort.  

This blog will be my thoughts about what I am feeling! I will try to keep them as fun as I can!  I want people to enjoy reading it! I don’t want it to be a place where I sit and complain.  I want it to be a place I where I can reflect and write exactly what I am going through. I want my thoughts to be known so here I will leave them!

Shadows Dance

In the waking hours of the night when you’re all alone, time feels rather foreign to your mind.  You have no choice but stare above you at the shadows dancing on your ceiling. These shadows are created by the smallest cascades of light. Light that has forcibly found a way to peer through the already closed blinds, just to make a known presence to you when you least expect it.

 As you stare; curiosity lingers heavily, almost as if to find hope, the very emotion that has the ability to lend courage and empower the soul. Your focus changes in moments like these and allows deeper thoughts about specific aspects of your life. Why do you need this courage? Are there really aspects of you that need to be changed? This light becomes a battle across your mind, one that is being played out in creative patterns right above you!

In those hours; in that darkness you’re innately consumed with your darkest self. And as you watch insecurities and fears dance sporadically across the ceiling your focus changes again. Glancing back at the clock, an hour has gone by and you know that the rising sun brings with it expectations of a coming day. You try your best to reason with yourself to turn off the very thought that is lending you this feeling of unrest. It never works because when you’re in this position, laying here in the dark, you force yourself subconsciously to contemplate your very own existence. And that my friends can’t be turned off like the light switch on the wall.   

Truth is told in the darkest hours... My decisions are what keep me wrestling in the dark, my actions, my own expectations, my insecurities and my fears. Deep down I have an unfulfilled need that is longing to take over and heal itself. I know what is missing in my life. What’s left this hole inside of me and I know what is right there within my reach waiting for the day that I can say how I feel and not fear love any longer.  How long will I wait. What will being alone, here in the night offer me?

The answer is unknown at this point and in the waking hours of the night time feels rather foreign to your mind and truth is told in the darkest hours.

Valentines somewhere else

As I sit here today watching the snow falling slowing out the window, I look below at the parking lot full of lightly dusted cars. From the fifth floor everything feels so far away.  I am lost in translation as my attention slips just out of reach my focus becomes fixated by a slight color variation within the dull grey sky. I continue to stare as snowflakes fall in a sideways pattern. Controlled by the wind, these flakes have no say in the direction that they are to travel or land. It’s all by happenstance that they are blowing by me on this day.

The colors start to blend together erasing the hold that this current surrounding has on me, allowing me to envision a different time.  The snowflakes falling before me begin to transform into marble accents swirling within the grey skies, creating pillars that are gracefully dramatic and just outside of my reach. It is as though they bridge the sky creating a mystical parallel of a world that is not our own allowing this rendition of a magical setting before me!   

Where does that bridge lead to? Well, today it leads me to Rome.

Not Rome as it stands today, Rome as it stood under the rule of Emperor Claudius II. Rome when it was involved in many bloody and unpopular campaigns, when war raged across their lands. During this time in Rome, Claudius became a cruel and hurtful ruler who was having a difficult time getting soldiers to join his military, this brought forth a dark time where all of the magic was hidden beneath the tears of chaos that surrounded them all!

In ancient Rome it was custom for the lives of young boys and girls to be lived completely separate. Therefore they came together only on occasions like the one that we are celebrating today, February 14^th. 

This was a holiday to honor Juno the Queen of the Roman Goddesses. Juno stood for women and marriage. To celebrate the Roman girls wrote their names on slips of paper and placed them into jars! Each young man would draw a name from the jar and they would be partners for the duration of the festival. Sometimes the pairings lasted an entire year. And sometimes they would fall in love and marry.

With the rise of Christianity and the plaguing of the war, Valentine, a Roman priest started to make a name for himself!  Claudius II was so war hungry that he banned all unions in Rome. Valentine took it upon himself to practice secret Christian unions in the name of love.

He was captured soon after he began to rebel against the emperor and was tried for crimes against the throne. He was locked away in a prison where he could no longer cause rebellion for or help the Christians to make oaths that would keep men from the battle field. While he was awaiting his fate that would result in death, those that he married threw letters of gratitude and flowers at the door of his prison. The people of Rome thanked him often for his sacrifice in the name of love.  

During his time in Prison, Valentine was allowed one visitor, a young maiden, whom was actually the daughter of the prison guard. She would sneak in and comfort Valentine while he counted down the days leading to his tragic ending.
When he was carted away... He forged his final act of love. Valentine left a single note for this maiden, and signed it “From your Valentine”.

Through the horror and bloodshed of Rome, love managed to conquer all... It sacrificed and it endured. The people believed that Love was the heart of the world and they were willing to go to great lengths to make sure that no one could take that from them!

February 14^th... Still remains a tradition...

As I sink back into reality in this office, I began to see the snowflakes again, painting the grey skies.  I feel warmth in my heart that for a short time erased the chaos of my life.  

Valentine was able to give his life to make people happy. He vowed to stand for love. I will do the same. That is the definition of unconditional. To Love through the pain, through the loss and never lose hope that one day that union will be forever, regardless of what it is that you must endure together!

I may not sign a Valentine today, but unlike Valentine, I have the gift of time. I have time to make fond memories and to touch someone else’s life with unconditional love!  

Happy Valentine’s Day, may we remember that what we feel has been taken from us, was never really taken at all. Love resides inside of us, an unconditional love. Hold onto these traditions. Leave your mark on the hearts of others!  

Every Girl is a Princess....

I often wonder if one day Walt Disney was on his way to somewhere important and for some reason he was taking a train to get there. (Yes, a train, I am sure this would have taken place when he wasn’t Walt Disney just yet; at least not the Disney that we have all come to know and love.)  In my head I can see this scenario playing out like a movie...

I see dear Walt sitting at that train station; it’s a blustery day as pooh would describe it, and suddenly his hat starts to blow away. This blustery wind knocks it off of his hand and sends dear Walt on a wild chase. As he continues to chase his hat it lands at the foot of a bench.  Once he reaches his hat he is taken by surprise for on that bench sat a hopeless woman. (You could tell from a grave distance she was a very hopeless woman) Her face showed great sadness and despair. She noticed that his hat had landed on the ground; so she reached down and picked it up for him.

(Did he tell her thank you? Did he sit beside her and ask her about her troubles...

We really don’t know, because this is all made up... But for the sake of the story... Let’s say Dear Walt cared about people...)

As she hands him the hat suddenly he decides he should ask this woman her name.  She replies “Margret, thank you kindly”.  Just then Walt sees something in Ms. Margret’s eyes a great mystery to her hopeless face. He sees a story, he sees a light that perhaps Ms. Margret had forgot about because her current situation.  Walt decides to wait on the bench with her for the train that was to take him to that destination in which was rather important on this day!  

Margret could have inspired the story of a lost princess (Anastasia) One that was feeling hopeless in a place she was not welcomed (Cinderella) and looked for a way out but was forced to run away and find shelter (Snow White). She could have felt like she was trapped (Belle) by some mistake. She could have made a promise that she was bound to (Aurora).

Dear Margret could have longed to be someone that she wasn’t, and was willing to run away and change herself to be with that great love of her life (Ariel) or she could have been strong willed and very outspoken and had been on a journey to find what she knew she was looking for all along (Jasmine).

Either way, I would like to think that Margret had a story hiding behind her eyes. A story about love and life and loss (That defines hopeless to me, lost) and made dear Walt see that every woman and every girl needed something  special to lean on, something that would bring them hope. A story that could be told over and over and never fades with time. He would call it a fairytale. One in which our hearts would be lifted when we envisioned our prince bringing us to life with one kiss or riding in and saving us from great danger, a story where our prince would accept us for who we really are inside and would go to great lengths to find us if we were to get lost. A story where that said prince would go to great lengths to show that he is worthy of our hand and would always treat us with respect. A story where no matter what the end was happy and where we were princesses and love was a final destination for all of us. Great love... Great hope... Great happiness…

I want to believe that Walt found a princess sitting on a bench. A woman that was hopeless. A woman that loved and was capable of love and that dear Walt took Margret by the hand and told her that all was not lost... I would like to believe that Walt listened to her and at the end of her story that woman inspired the whole world because one person was able to take the time to care enough to listen!

I feel like that Woman on the bench right now…

Where are you Walt?