It’s interesting how you can wake up in the morning, see the light breaking through the blinds and think that you know what you want in life.
It’s so easy to pretend to be in total control of your destiny and it’s easy to be irrational about anything and everything... I thought… ok I have been at this single thing for almost 3 months and why shouldn’t I at least try to date... I enjoy the company of a man.
As I started to do this dating thing I noticed it was easy as pie, people were interested, and I am good for conversation and good at making people comfortable. But I also noticed that the more I was interested in starting a relationship... The more I didn’t want one.
I started to notice that I like having someone around only on my time, only when I wanted to see them, only when I wanted to talk to them.
I really like being by myself so much more than I ever realized before. I like my lonely routine. I like going to work and coming home and taking care of my kids and not having to worry about making someone else happy.
And honestly... in the mist of all of this change... I am still haunted by my past. It’s like standing on a road and looking through the fog and seeing the sun start to rise. The problem with this is that I am still in the fog. I can't imagine telling anyone that I love them. I can’t... for some reason I feel so bound. It’s like my heart is tied and I can’t free it.
Everything that I do feels “fake”. I feel like I am playing a game and I can’t play it anymore. I just can’t!
Maybe deep down I know what I want.
Maybe I don’t. But either way, I don't mind not having any attachment. I am way too conflicted for an attachment.
I can’t look in the rear view mirror without seeing his face. I can’t open the center counsel because his photo, our photo is right there where I left it. I couldn’t very well throw it away.
3 months isn’t making me miss him any less. Its making me say things like “why did you give up on me” and it’s me screaming out emotions that are hard to see on the other side of the world. It’s doesn’t matter where I am or what I do or who I am with. He is still there behind my eyes.. His voice, his laugh. I don’t want anyone to replace him or the way that I felt with him. It feels very sacred to me in some way.
The ironic thing about it all is; if he was standing at my door tomorrow... I am not sure that it would ever work out. I am not even sure what I would say if I were face to face with him.
So in all of it.. I know one thing. I am far from ready to even think about sharing my life with anyone. I am finally for the first time ever ok with being alone. I am ok alone all by myself.
In the end, every day I am stronger and someday someone will steal my heart, but before that happens I have to have it back completely! And that is going to take more time, more space.
